So on Sunday night everything seemed fine, I even got a random love you text out of nowhere which had been rare since out recent problems. So I thought yay, everything's going to be fine again [:
Next day [that's Monday, my dears] I was round Millzes. We were eating pop tarts, the usual [: I was in a good mood. So good a posted a happy good mood I love everything bulletin. And then about 5 seconds after I clicked 'post' I got a text through from Adam and opened it and just laughed at first. Millz must have thought I was insane because I immediately started crying and then she read it and understood. I didn't understand why or what had happened. After a lot of dragging it out of him that night, he explained that we couldn't be together for my own safety.. whatever that meant. Turns out his anger was getting a lot worse, when I thought he was getting better. That was a bit of a blow because I'd always thought I could help make him better in some way. And so I was devastated, I won't lie. Because I thought Sunday night meant everything was good, and it was a bit of a shock to say the least. A day can make the biggest difference I guess x]
Anyway I was suprisingly okay about it for a while. I knew I should be angry. I mean I had been ignoring all my best friends as they told me to get out of it after all the problems earlier... like the halloween party, the girls online, and the confusingness and mood swings. But I'd always said he'd changed, he was lovely really and he didn't mean anything. I angered a lot of friends by sticking up for him but I thought who cares, it's going to work. So in the end after fighting to keep him that long it was pretty terrible for him to just say it's over and that was that.
But anyway. His reason seemed to make sense and I was kind of alright by it. We were going to keep in touch at least.
Then on New Years, I got a bit of a bombshell. News about the Adam malarky that I didn;t know whether to believe or not. I really hope it's a misunderstanding. And it was only then that I really understood everything that had happened and what it meant. And so I spent my first hours of 2009 bawling my eyes out whilst the guys [bless them] put on Enter Shikari and danced around me desperately trying to cheer me up. Me and brother Dan had a massive heart to heart which ended in both of us in tears. But it was nice to feel they cared.
What really bothers me now is that I haven't had contact with him since Monday. It makes no sense. It was a pretty clean break-up.. I didn't fight it. But now he seems to have just deleted me out of his entire life. I'm not even a friend anymore in his eyes. When did that happen? Argh. And he seems completely fine about it. Not upset at all. Seemingly not struggling with his anger at all either. My biggest fear is that everything was a lie, and he did just find someone new and has been lying to me all along. I'm also worried that he'll tell everyone I dumped him.. I don't know why but the idea of that really bothers me. The problem is, being him, he'll have no problem moving on. I know plenty of girls are after him and he could have whoever he wanted. It's not like that with me and I don't know what I'll do when he'd got a gorgeous girl on his arm.
Stupid as it is, I really miss him. Having half of St Neots tell me it's better this way does not compute. I just wish everything hadn't ended this badly. And I wish I could be angry but I can't be. I don't know.
Anyway that's basically it there. That's what's been whirling around my empty skull this week.

On a happier note, Christmas and New Year were otherwise pretty ace. I got me a new camera so now my snaps don't look quite so poor. I quite like this whole photography thing. Me and Millz went on a photography walk on Monday morning. We got some nice pictures. They're on my Bebo and DeviantART. Both our sets of pictures look pretty darn swish though I say so myself. I think this is the start of a fad for Clairey. I spent New Year at mister Alex Wales'. We had a laugh with a lot of booze, a lot of Scuzz and a lot of poor dancing. Most of it was awesome. I love those guys. I met a lovely girl called Sarah. She's Hannah's friend. People like them make me wish I'd gone to Ernulf other than Longsands XD But I love my Longsands lot. I like finding new friends. At the end of the night a very drunk Laurence, Dan, Henry and me walked home through town. Everyone we bumped into we wished a happy new year. A few of them noticed I was teary x] Dan just told them I was drunken and emotional. He's a good boy. Every random stranger shook my hand and kissed me on the cheek. I'm suprised I didn't get aids from that many people. The boys just got handshakes. They were pretty jealous. Especially when we encountered 'hot girls' XD. Bit of a laugh. We went into Pizza Town. One of the few places that were open. It was packed. We chatted to the drunk people. One was called Laura. She was lovely and said Dan looked like the guy from Hanson that did 'Mmm-Bop'. The third mention of that song that night. We found that funny. I bumped into a drunken Emily Humphries. She was more interested in contacting my brother than me, but we had a good chat all the same =P Some guy she knew.. Paul I think? Started chatting to us. Off his FACE. He was pretty old, but I humoured him. He gave us a long speech about how he HONESTLY MEANT his wish for us to have a good new year, more than the other people who'd said the same. I get the impression he lost someone this year.

Besides the big events I don't think much else has happened since my last post. Just meeting with friends and family really. It's been okay, not my best Christmas but okay. Shame it's all over now.

Coming up is going back to school on Tuesday. A bit nervous about that because it's also the 2 year anniversary of Matt's accident. Me and Grace are going up to the spot after school. I think a lot of us are going to. Also got some exams this month.. but the school's been fucking up on that and we haven't been given dates for all of them. Stressss.
All in all, not a great beginning of 2009 to look forward to. But possibility of snow sometime I guess? And I'm sure we'll have some good times mixed in.
Roll on happier times
♥